♥Crie Stine

SO.
I signed up for GED classes at the college.
After a week of going everday,
Nathan & I stopped talking because he thought I was fucking around w/ Charlie again...
[Whatever.]
&so I stopped staying there, &since Nathan was the reason I was getting up for school everyday & going, because he was the reason ..
I don't know.
I guess that week I was really happy.
Everyone was telling me it.
&now,
I'm just back to normal.
I liked being able to come hang out w/ my mom w/ Nathan, relax & not have to argue
because I knew that I'd just be cuddling w/ Nathan later & going to bed.
&then in the morning, he would wake me up
&we would get ready together
&he'd walk me most of the way to school.
Even tho he didn't have to get up for another hour or so after I did.
=]
Then after school, he'd come home to meet up w/ me when I got out
even tho he had to be to work in a few hours.
We speant that time together, just relaxing.
&it was so nice.
&then he would go to work,
&come home.
&cuddle w/ me again.
=[

But a whole bunch of shit happened.
Firstly,
I was jealous becuase he had other girls up there,
&he didn't like introduce us.
& he was just weird about it.
Idk.
In the end,
Nathan & I stopped talking again,
&stopped goign to school.
He packed my shit & took back the key.
{whatever.]


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&now I'm at home.
Not giong to school.
Again.

Anywayz.
We juts started talking again,
&njow he got himself into some shit
so I guess I won't see him for a month or so.
?




I'll write more later.
I just,
was thinking about nathan
& not I'm argueing w/ Charlie.
I got to go.

<3

Nothing interesting really going on in my life.
I pretty much chill at my house.

It hurt me that, a couple days ago me & my mom got into an argument for the first time in a long time.
&I was pretty drunk.
But yeah, in the end we didn't talk for like 3 days until last night when she told me that she was "dissapointed in me" because she thought I was finally starting to stop drinking & staying home more.


I wish she had just said she hated me, instead she was "dissapointed" in me.


Fuck her.

Lol.


Anywayz, my days consist of me trying to wake up at 9am every morning, & not getting up until 12.

I drink alot of coffee, & smoke alot of weed...

I hang out w/ Rachael alot, &Strawberry.



[I wrote this a couple weeks ago. & my computer shut off & I got pissed off &gave up.
But when I logged back on, it was still here! Lol.
But I'm about to write a new one. Lol. So read this if you want I guess?]
=]

I've been thinking about things alot.
I've been thinking about my life,
about myself.
About the fact that I'm depressed.



I depress all the feelings I really feel, towards....
everyone.



Cindy & Rachael &I ... or rather I was trying to negotiate whether who was what.
What I said was...
Cindy:Agressive
Rachael:Passive
Me:PassiveAgressive.


When REALLY
we all know.
it's ...
Cindy:Agressive.
Rachael:PassiveAgressive.
Me:Passive.




&yes I admit, I am a little crazy at times... when I'm drunk?


Hah, other than that I'm just myself.


I've been thinking about how,
I dislike alot of things.



I like to drink alot,
I like drinking alot.
Becuase I can let out alot of emotion,
say alot of things I feel..
& then just forget them all the next day.
I like drinking becuase I can,
be a pretend happy person for the few hours I'm awake & a thriving drunk..
&then I can wake up the next morning ..
drink a cup of coffee,
& get on w/ my life.



I like drinking,
because it makes me numb to everything I'm feeling.
it makes me laugh about the old times & not make me feel regret.
it makes me, laugh about how fucked up I feel sometimes,
& not feel like I should feel bad about it.
It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world,
&how I used to feel,.
where I didn't give a fuck about anyone but myself.

&I'm trying to do that again.
Not really care anymore,
but it's really hard when you love people
&you care about what happens to them,

or how they are running they're life [not that I can do anything to change them.]
I just ... wish alot of things I guess.

Too much for God to even grant.






I think about alot of things...
I think about how I shouldn't be living in this house anymore.
How every morning I wake up & wish I was never born.
Most mornings my first thoughts are "fuck" because I know I have to get up & do something.
Some mornings I just wish I was dead.








It's been years, since I've been this way,
years since I've felt alone.
But back then I had Yoda to lay there in my room w/ me for hours & feel the same.
I had him to lay there & not have to feel anything I was feeling.


&then I had drugs, so I could lay there alone w/ my drugs & feel what I was feeling.

&then I had Charlie, to lay there w/. &feel ... the way I was feeling.¬ have to explain, just to feel, & to know there was that person there that cared ya know?


But now...I just feel like it's me.

Hah, it sucks.
I have my friends ofcourse, & ofcourse I talk to Cindy&Rachael & tell them how I feel.




But to be completely honest, no one knows how I feel.








I feel like an outcast, still.
I feel, alone in my depression.
I know people are tired of hearing me talk about Charlie,
so I try to limit it.
But he still is in my head, 24/7.
I don't always think of him, just sometimes..
he'll come out of nowhere. & I'll think.
Not about anything specific, just him.





I always try to think about what I did wrong,
what I did so wrong...
cause apparently I did.

I know deep down, that I'm really not the horrible person he makes me out to be,
but I care about his opinion so much, sometimes i believe what he says.
That I'm a "whore" a..."cunt" a...whatever he wants to call me.
Sometimes I feel like, I'm just worthless..
becuase I just don't understand what I did.




I didn't expect us to live happily ever after,
I didn't expect us to get over our differences,
to get over what we've done to eachother,
but the shit we've been through,.
stuck through,
I thought might have shown how much I cared.
Maybe I was wrong.



In the end, I'm just sad becuase I miss my friends.
I miss Cody,
I miss Tim.
I miss things,
I miss times.



I know mostly, it's my fault I don't try to get out there & hang out w/ people.
but to be completely honest, I really don't wan to run into Charlie & Brooke.
I purposely, find out whre they're going to, or what parties, so when I go out I can have a good time & not worry about the heartache.
So I can get drunk & forget.
It's not that I'm so "heartbroken" over the whole ordeal,
it just, hurts me
becuase I feel so helpless.



Hahha.
Hopeless.
Hellbound.

hah.
&I'm ..
Helpless.

WOw funny.



Just kidding!

Syke.
I was so kidding.

Anywayzzzz...



*sighs*



I guess I'm just thinking about it alot, becuase I had to see those pictures of Charlie & brooke kissing...
I've been talking about it non stop all day,
not that i meant to blurt, it's just been in my head all day.
&I know he did it to hurt me.
Seeing as he added me for a day, added those pictures, & then deleted me.
&that's okay.. I guess.




I'm just, hurt.. like I said.



I feel... so bruised... i mean .. my ego.
hah.
so wrong.


I don't know.

I'm just blabbing now.


I'm gonna go, do something.


In all honesty, I'll probably be sitting here until 6 in the AM as usual, doing nothing.
Becuase I'm a loser.



I really hate my life, & myself...& the way everythings turned out.
I don't see anyway that I can change anything,
or anyway I can make myself feel better about any situation I've gotten myeslf in,
or anything that's happened to me.
I feel, stuck.






Stuck.
That's a good word for it.



I'm stuck.


& I can't get out......











</3 I feel so nauseated by everything, it's sick. [Fo'real.]

I guess I'm going to try this whole livejournal thing again.
I've been awfuly bored w/ nothing to do w/ my time.


I don't write anymore,
I don't feel like it.
My hands don't even want to pick up a pen.



None the less, I still seem to be able to type 128 words a minute.
So I'm down w/ the online journal.



Tonight was not the best night to decide to do this, seeing as I'm kinda tired & I am planning on waking up in 6 hours.
I'm usually waking up around 3 in the PM but tommorow, I'm going to try & actually leave my houes before 5.
Maybe actually accomplish something in my life.
Or atleast tommorow.



<3





Today was alright.
I ate Easter dinner at Cindy's.
I hung out w/ Phil, & found out he's moving.
[Fucking bummer.]


&&&&&&&&&&&yeah.
The end?




My life sucks still,
my mom still has a big mouth.
My mom still annoys the shit out of me.


I'm still unhappy.
Still alone. [Not leaving the few friends out, by saying that. I just feel, as if it's not enough.]
Still, bored.








Amuse me.




.CrieStine.

I'm sad every fucking day.
I think about killing myself atleast once every couple hours throughout these last few weeks.


Charlie might love me, I think he does. I think I might make him hate me though.
I don't understand why, I don't know. Why does he like to hurt me so much? Why does he yell at me? Why does he hit me? What's wrong w/ me?



What's wrong w/ me?




I need .... some physical.. and mental fucking help.. asap.





Where am I? PA...
why? family vacation.


I feel like I've been on more family vacations this year than I've ever been on in my life. It's so annoying. I guess it's kinda cool being able to get away from Schenectady every once in a while though.
Sometimes Schenectady is just too much, the people, the scene. What is w/ this place? Why are people so judgemental, rude, and ALL THE FUCKING SAME.



I want to go home.




I miss Timmae... I never talk to him anymore. I wish we still talk. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really like me anymore. Sometimes the things Charlie tells me makes me think no one cares about me. Sometimes I feel like Cody never liked me, only because of Charlie he felt like he had to be my friend. I mean, weren't we friends before Charlie? Where did all my friends go?

The only people who call me are Cindy, Shay, Derrick, Adam, Devin (sometimes... not as much as I wish since he's such a jerk sometimes and so nice others), and Charlie.

And really, I'd prefer if he never called me again. Ever.

I want to be friends w/ him, I mean what are we now? When we aren't argueing we are either hanging out getting wasted and THEN getting into a fight, or I'm smoking and passing out. Or we're just hanging out like guys do or something. Or well, having sex.


But... eh em....we don't even have sex.. like EVER which is mostly my fault.. cause I'm always in a bad mood. Maybe all this is all my fault and I'm just insane and I just don't realize it?.. eh.. .

What the fuck is this shit? I'm so depressed I sound like I'm going through my midlife crisis. .... I'M FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD!?!?





I don't know.. whatever..


The other day I had a nervous breakdown when I heard that Charlie fucked that bitch Jill.


By the way... if anyone knows Jill ... for instance.. Shannon Devin's lil sister.. or Meaghan reads this and wants to help me find this little bitch cause I'm gonna find her anyway..
Okay listen, I don't want to hurt her I just want to ask her if he really did stuff w/ her.

It bothers me cause, I think it's true. Everyone tells me he's cheated on me tons of times, well I know for SURE about twice.. and pretty sure a couple other times... but he denies it.
How can I think he's guilty, when I love him so much and he's denying everything? I want to believe that he loves me, and he would never do that to me.
I just need to know, cause I feel like I'm being paranoid. But I know I'm not. But he says it's all in my head... am I really a horrible persoN?

WHAT THE FUCK.




I feel like shit..

If charlie reads this he's gonna kill me..



Did anyone read that myspace bulletin I put up the other day?
Yeah well if you didn't know, Charlie has complete control of my myspace. After he saw that he changed my password. and because he created it I don't know how to get my password.. so I give up. I no longer have a myspace.... whatever it's not that important. I usually just go on it to look at pictures and check up on what charlie is up to....




whatever....


I need to go to some parties... does anyone want to bring me to parties w/ them? does anyone NOT care what charlie thinks?

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SO LOYAL TO HIM!?!?!?



screw this..


I hate myself.










Oh yeah, I actually got out the other day and went to the mall. It was the best 3 hours I've had in a long time. I saw Yoda, Jason, Gary(notsogreat), Dave(didn't talk to me), and I got to chill w/ Cindy ... and shit.. it was cool. I miss talking to Yoda, even though he ruined my life in ways I don't think anyone thought was possible... haha.. emotionally... he's still a really cool person when he's not beating on people's brains w/ all his obscene "slut" calling and whatnot. OKay, ignore that.
Yoda is awesome. The end.

Whatnot..


I want to go home and huddle underneath the covers in my room, blasting silverstein, put the heat up to 90 and all the windows open. I want all the lights to be on so people think I'm there, but I won't be able to see any of them cause I'll be hiding all alone in my bed. I want to go home, for that. I look forward to that... every day of my fucking life..



Fuck guys.









Someone please help me...


SOMEONE PLEASE.. if you want to help me CALL ME.... INVITE ME SOMEWHERE... TALK TO ME... come the fuck on..


3472154


oxxoxoxo


I love Cindy
I love Michaela
I love Big D
I love Devin
I love ... Charlie.. so much...
and I talk so much crap about him, but unfortunately alI always will love every horrible thing about ... that really aren't so horrible.. but I'm bitchy right now. he hung up on me a lil while ago!.. .hmmph.. and I broke up w/ him.. and he knows I'm going to call him back.. he expects it.. and if I don't maybe he'll get the point and we'll really be over for good. But why can't he just talk things out w/ me? Why does it have to be like.. "blah blah blah blah" *click* why not WORK THINGS OUT.. and then "bye" click.... god.. I want to talk to him. I haaatttteeeeee this. it's all my stomache not my heart. when I think about him I feel sick, all the time. when I don't know where he is, when I think he hates me. i'm sick.....

heart sick.

Just some little things that I've written down while at St.Anne's that I heard or made up and liked it enough to write it down.::::



"Lie to me to convince me ive been sick forever
and all of this will make sense when I get better."

"The heart does heal, & you will love like this again -except when you do, you'll deny you've ever loved like this before."

"...the moments I never wanted to end & the ones I would just like to forget."

"I'm not sure if I'll ever feel the same. So if we fall apart my heart will be to blame."

"This is how it feels to know everyone has something they are running out of."

"..I trusted misleading promises worth repeating.."

"I'll paint the world to make it seem more than it is.":

"My love will die with you."

"Nothing that makes sense ever works out."

"Let us now celebrate the poet who wrote odes to her husband on the skin of her lovers back."

"Fuck the world, fuck the inadequate body."

"If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

"It's raining in my heart."



 Yeah, the end.
I'm at Charlie's right now, chillin....

     <3me. 

CHECK OUT MY MYSPACE flamboyant518


lovelovelove.. please

I'll be home tommorow, if anyone wants to catch up stop by my house after 5. I'll probably be out and about later that night so come by early.

Muchlove-Christine-

.....ps....


Yes. I'm going back to SHS next year. Josh, did you graduate? (Did he?) You are all graduating before me assholes! ... fuck.

I get to come home in August!!!! Aughust 25th... fuck yes.


I'm so happy... like... yeah.


I hope James don't get caught, I love him like woah. I can't wait to see him.... me and him are going to get pedicures together. (awkward?)
I'll probably end up paying.. bitches.


It's going well here, I'm on discharge planner so I come home every weekend.. except this weekend which I'm supposed to come home but my mom's being a bitch so I'm only coming home saturday-sunday....fucker.

But yeah, I get my intermediate phone call day now so now anyone can call me, but only Michaela & Charlie have the number. If you want to talk to me though you can make your way to Shay's on thursday after 7 and say whats up.


Ehhh.. yeah....

My judge is so fucking cool, my caseworker was like " i think she should be extended until january" I was like FUCK YOU!
And my judge was like "I rule, she goes home because I'm an awesome fucking ... urh... everything."


But yeah....

I'm excited.

I'm probably going to screw up again, like always. It's just the inevitable. I'm serious, I don't know why but I just can't help it. and then this whole 5 months or w/e was just for nothing. Again.


I love James
Michaela
Charlie


I miss Devin & Amy... & Cody....

And I can't wait to see Tim to tell him the good news!

-Christine-

Fuck... ps.. I have to get a "root canal" its the downfall of getting out on the 25th.. that day I have to get it done.

Some people say it hurts like hell, the rest of them say it doesn't hurt at all. I'm not sure who to believe I'm going to think the worst so I won't be suprised when it hurts SO FUCKING BADLY.

Okay.. yeah... someone wants to hang out. Just comment.

DUN DUN DUN DUN! CHRISTINE IS GIVEN YET ANOTHER CHANCE TO EXCEED IN THE REAL WORLD!....


wow.

I'm in class, at St. Anne's.

Nothing new, mac'n cheese for lunch. Gross. I ate it anyway.


I'm really upset, over my life.

I have court tommorow, I'm nervous. So is Charlie, he says.

I feel like me and charlie are a married couple trying to put are marriage together because we've been considering divorce.

When we fight, we don't care enough to yell. When we argue, I don't care enough to hit him. (not that its a bad thing)

When we're on the phone, we can't find anything to talk about.

What happened, to being able to have a conversation?

He thinks I cheated, he doesn't care. Why not? He's cheating.


I don't know what to do.

I wish I could find someone else to forget about him. But since I'm never out of St. Anne's it's never going to happen.


I'm so nervous about court, I hope they let me go home at the end of August.


I hung out w/ James all over the weekend. I've missed him so much. He got jumped, it made me really angry. I would like to kick all their asses, if they were little puny girls.


Hah.

Dave Gunn, I'm not sure if you read my livejournal but I'm sorry about the post on Yoda's livejournal. Maybe not, but I just can't help but hold a grudge, even though the grudge should be against Yoda.


*shrugs* I'll never get my head straight.

-Christine A. Burns-

<3MichaelaDerreckCharlieCodyJames<3

If you love somebody I don't think it's that easy just say..."oh well that's over.."

I've told people I love them. I still havn't stopped loving them.

I don't think it's possible to just stop loving someone, and if you can you never really loved them. If you said you did, then you were lying.

It's like if you went into a house, and turned off all the lights, when you were still awake. You can't see anything, you can't tell what's going on... but you're still awake. No one can tell that you're awake, (in love) but you are. The lights are all..

It's like someone putting a latter up to your back porch and knocking on the back door.. you turn the lights on to find the door.

What happens after that?

Do you keep the lights on, and let them in? Or do you turn the lights on and stair at them through the window? Do you keep the lights off, and act like you're not even home.

If you're in love, you leave you're front door wide open.

I've done this too many times... it doesn't seem to be working for me.. much.

I'm not sure, what I'm going to do when I get out of St. Anne's but there has to be a big change because (though I love all the things I've been doing...) I can't keep doing them....

Partying... drinking every night ( i havn't smoked in dumb long, not planning to.. )

.... Staying out... my mom hating me... my family ignoring me...... I can't take it any longer. I'm going to wake up one day... and realize I havn't had one day (that I can remember) that has been perfect.


I go to this YATMA thing in St. Anne's. It's a writing group, they give you a topic .. or a couple... every tuesday and you write.. and write.. I love it.

Last week, we were writing a letter to SANTA... (how cheesy?) But yeah, I wished for a day of bliss. One day to remember, that can make me happy. One day I don't have to worry about my mom, money, bills, school, friends, boyfriends... anything.. no drama. No problems..

I just want one day to be happy...

I wish that could happen to me. & I want to make it happen.


I'm getting good grades in school. (ps: I go to a bocey school now.. yeah "emotional disorders"... or something) but yeah.. so I made honor role.. obviously wasn't that hard. Since I really don't seem like I'm retarded. (some of you may think it..)

I'm trying, I guess.

All day, I do Suduko. I love it. It helps me pass the time at St.Anne's.

I don't know.


I'm done.

Somebody write me.

I have court this tuesday. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm nervous... prey prey prey.


...

-Christine-.. same as always..


PS: me and my mom are broke again... security stopped paying the money from my dad's death. They said they were gonna stop when I turned 16, but they changed there mind. It ended last wednesday.

We might have to move, again. I'm so tired of it.
I'm not dirt poor, but I'd rather be dirt poor than in the middle. We struggle, but we can't get help from any corporations because my mom's too "proud" and work's for the state.

It's such bull.

I want to own a pair of pants one day, that I don't get drunk and fall and rip.
That's my wish.