one love? this life.nolove. [I guess that's just life.]

My life as I know it.

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:20:36 GMT

SO.
I signed up for GED classes at the college.
After a week of going everday,
Nathan & I stopped talking because he thought I was fucking around w/ Charlie again...
[Whatever.]
&so I stopped staying there, &since Nathan was the reason I was getting up for school everyday & going, because he was the reason ..
I don't know.
I guess that week I was really happy.
Everyone was telling me it.
&now,
I'm just back to normal.
I liked being able to come hang out w/ my mom w/ Nathan, relax & not have to argue
because I knew that I'd just be cuddling w/ Nathan later & going to bed.
&then in the morning, he would wake me up
&we would get ready together
&he'd walk me most of the way to school.
Even tho he didn't have to get up for another hour or so after I did.
=]
Then after school, he'd come home to meet up w/ me when I got out
even tho he had to be to work in a few hours.
We speant that time together, just relaxing.
&it was so nice.
&then he would go to work,
&come home.
&cuddle w/ me again.
=[

But a whole bunch of shit happened.
Firstly,
I was jealous becuase he had other girls up there,
&he didn't like introduce us.
& he was just weird about it.
Idk.
In the end,
Nathan & I stopped talking again,
&stopped goign to school.
He packed my shit & took back the key.
{whatever.]

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&now I'm at home.
Not giong to school.
Again.

Anywayz.
We juts started talking again,
&njow he got himself into some shit
so I guess I won't see him for a month or so.
?

I'll write more later.
I just,
was thinking about nathan
& not I'm argueing w/ Charlie.
I got to go.

<3

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:00:09 GMT

Nothing interesting really going on in my life.
I pretty much chill at my house.

It hurt me that, a couple days ago me & my mom got into an argument for the first time in a long time.
&I was pretty drunk.
But yeah, in the end we didn't talk for like 3 days until last night when she told me that she was "dissapointed in me" because she thought I was finally starting to stop drinking & staying home more.

I wish she had just said she hated me, instead she was "dissapointed" in me.

Fuck her.

Lol.

Anywayz, my days consist of me trying to wake up at 9am every morning, & not getting up until 12.

I drink alot of coffee, & smoke alot of weed...

I hang out w/ Rachael alot, &Strawberry.

[I wrote this a couple weeks ago. & my computer shut off & I got pissed off &gave up.
But when I logged back on, it was still here! Lol.
But I'm about to write a new one. Lol. So read this if you want I guess?]
=]

I just...

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 06:56:27 GMT

I've been thinking about things alot.
I've been thinking about my life,
about myself.
About the fact that I'm depressed.

I depress all the feelings I really feel, towards....
everyone.

Cindy & Rachael &I ... or rather I was trying to negotiate whether who was what.
What I said was...
Cindy:Agressive
Rachael:Passive
Me:PassiveAgressive.

When REALLY
we all know.
it's ...
Cindy:Agressive.
Rachael:PassiveAgressive.
Me:Passive.

&yes I admit, I am a little crazy at times... when I'm drunk?

Hah, other than that I'm just myself.

I've been thinking about how,
I dislike alot of things.

I like to drink alot,
I like drinking alot.
Becuase I can let out alot of emotion,
say alot of things I feel..
& then just forget them all the next day.
I like drinking becuase I can,
be a pretend happy person for the few hours I'm awake & a thriving drunk..
&then I can wake up the next morning ..
drink a cup of coffee,
& get on w/ my life.

I like drinking,
because it makes me numb to everything I'm feeling.
it makes me laugh about the old times & not make me feel regret.
it makes me, laugh about how fucked up I feel sometimes,
& not feel like I should feel bad about it.
It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world,
&how I used to feel,.
where I didn't give a fuck about anyone but myself.

&I'm trying to do that again.
Not really care anymore,
but it's really hard when you love people
&you care about what happens to them,

or how they are running they're life [not that I can do anything to change them.]
I just ... wish alot of things I guess.

Too much for God to even grant.

I think about alot of things...
I think about how I shouldn't be living in this house anymore.
How every morning I wake up & wish I was never born.
Most mornings my first thoughts are "fuck" because I know I have to get up & do something.
Some mornings I just wish I was dead.

It's been years, since I've been this way,
years since I've felt alone.
But back then I had Yoda to lay there in my room w/ me for hours & feel the same.
I had him to lay there & not have to feel anything I was feeling.

&then I had drugs, so I could lay there alone w/ my drugs & feel what I was feeling.

&then I had Charlie, to lay there w/. &feel ... the way I was feeling.¬ have to explain, just to feel, & to know there was that person there that cared ya know?

But now...I just feel like it's me.

Hah, it sucks.
I have my friends ofcourse, & ofcourse I talk to Cindy&Rachael & tell them how I feel.

But to be completely honest, no one knows how I feel.

I feel like an outcast, still.
I feel, alone in my depression.
I know people are tired of hearing me talk about Charlie,
so I try to limit it.
But he still is in my head, 24/7.
I don't always think of him, just sometimes..
he'll come out of nowhere. & I'll think.
Not about anything specific, just him.

I always try to think about what I did wrong,
what I did so wrong...
cause apparently I did.

I know deep down, that I'm really not the horrible person he makes me out to be,
but I care about his opinion so much, sometimes i believe what he says.
That I'm a "whore" a..."cunt" a...whatever he wants to call me.
Sometimes I feel like, I'm just worthless..
becuase I just don't understand what I did.

I didn't expect us to live happily ever after,
I didn't expect us to get over our differences,
to get over what we've done to eachother,
but the shit we've been through,.
stuck through,
I thought might have shown how much I cared.
Maybe I was wrong.

In the end, I'm just sad becuase I miss my friends.
I miss Cody,
I miss Tim.
I miss things,
I miss times.

I know mostly, it's my fault I don't try to get out there & hang out w/ people.
but to be completely honest, I really don't wan to run into Charlie & Brooke.
I purposely, find out whre they're going to, or what parties, so when I go out I can have a good time & not worry about the heartache.
So I can get drunk & forget.
It's not that I'm so "heartbroken" over the whole ordeal,
it just, hurts me
becuase I feel so helpless.

Hahha.
Hopeless.
Hellbound.

hah.
&I'm ..
Helpless.

WOw funny.

Just kidding!

Syke.
I was so kidding.

Anywayzzzz...

*sighs*

I guess I'm just thinking about it alot, becuase I had to see those pictures of Charlie & brooke kissing...
I've been talking about it non stop all day,
not that i meant to blurt, it's just been in my head all day.
&I know he did it to hurt me.
Seeing as he added me for a day, added those pictures, & then deleted me.
&that's okay.. I guess.

I'm just, hurt.. like I said.

I feel... so bruised... i mean .. my ego.
hah.
so wrong.

I don't know.

I'm just blabbing now.

I'm gonna go, do something.

In all honesty, I'll probably be sitting here until 6 in the AM as usual, doing nothing.
Becuase I'm a loser.

I really hate my life, & myself...& the way everythings turned out.
I don't see anyway that I can change anything,
or anyway I can make myself feel better about any situation I've gotten myeslf in,
or anything that's happened to me.
I feel, stuck.

Stuck.
That's a good word for it.

I'm stuck.

& I can't get out......

</3 I feel so nauseated by everything, it's sick. [Fo'real.]

I suppose...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 06:13:19 GMT

I guess I'm going to try this whole livejournal thing again.
I've been awfuly bored w/ nothing to do w/ my time.

I don't write anymore,
I don't feel like it.
My hands don't even want to pick up a pen.

None the less, I still seem to be able to type 128 words a minute.
So I'm down w/ the online journal.

Tonight was not the best night to decide to do this, seeing as I'm kinda tired & I am planning on waking up in 6 hours.
I'm usually waking up around 3 in the PM but tommorow, I'm going to try & actually leave my houes before 5.
Maybe actually accomplish something in my life.
Or atleast tommorow.

<3

Today was alright.
I ate Easter dinner at Cindy's.
I hung out w/ Phil, & found out he's moving.
[Fucking bummer.]

&&&&&&&&&&&yeah.
The end?

My life sucks still,
my mom still has a big mouth.
My mom still annoys the shit out of me.

I'm still unhappy.
Still alone. [Not leaving the few friends out, by saying that. I just feel, as if it's not enough.]
Still, bored.

Amuse me.

.CrieStine.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 02:22:58 GMT

I'm sad every fucking day.
I think about killing myself atleast once every couple hours throughout these last few weeks.

Charlie might love me, I think he does. I think I might make him hate me though.
I don't understand why, I don't know. Why does he like to hurt me so much? Why does he yell at me? Why does he hit me? What's wrong w/ me?

What's wrong w/ me?

I need .... some physical.. and mental fucking help.. asap.

Where am I? PA...
why? family vacation.

I feel like I've been on more family vacations this year than I've ever been on in my life. It's so annoying. I guess it's kinda cool being able to get away from Schenectady every once in a while though.
Sometimes Schenectady is just too much, the people, the scene. What is w/ this place? Why are people so judgemental, rude, and ALL THE FUCKING SAME.

I want to go home.

I miss Timmae... I never talk to him anymore. I wish we still talk. Sometimes I think he doesn't even really like me anymore. Sometimes the things Charlie tells me makes me think no one cares about me. Sometimes I feel like Cody never liked me, only because of Charlie he felt like he had to be my friend. I mean, weren't we friends before Charlie? Where did all my friends go?

The only people who call me are Cindy, Shay, Derrick, Adam, Devin (sometimes... not as much as I wish since he's such a jerk sometimes and so nice others), and Charlie.

And really, I'd prefer if he never called me again. Ever.

I want to be friends w/ him, I mean what are we now? When we aren't argueing we are either hanging out getting wasted and THEN getting into a fight, or I'm smoking and passing out. Or we're just hanging out like guys do or something. Or well, having sex.

But... eh em....we don't even have sex.. like EVER which is mostly my fault.. cause I'm always in a bad mood. Maybe all this is all my fault and I'm just insane and I just don't realize it?.. eh.. .

What the fuck is this shit? I'm so depressed I sound like I'm going through my midlife crisis. .... I'M FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD!?!?

I don't know.. whatever..

The other day I had a nervous breakdown when I heard that Charlie fucked that bitch Jill.

By the way... if anyone knows Jill ... for instance.. Shannon Devin's lil sister.. or Meaghan reads this and wants to help me find this little bitch cause I'm gonna find her anyway..
Okay listen, I don't want to hurt her I just want to ask her if he really did stuff w/ her.

It bothers me cause, I think it's true. Everyone tells me he's cheated on me tons of times, well I know for SURE about twice.. and pretty sure a couple other times... but he denies it.
How can I think he's guilty, when I love him so much and he's denying everything? I want to believe that he loves me, and he would never do that to me.
I just need to know, cause I feel like I'm being paranoid. But I know I'm not. But he says it's all in my head... am I really a horrible persoN?

WHAT THE FUCK.

I feel like shit..

If charlie reads this he's gonna kill me..

Did anyone read that myspace bulletin I put up the other day?
Yeah well if you didn't know, Charlie has complete control of my myspace. After he saw that he changed my password. and because he created it I don't know how to get my password.. so I give up. I no longer have a myspace.... whatever it's not that important. I usually just go on it to look at pictures and check up on what charlie is up to....

whatever....

I need to go to some parties... does anyone want to bring me to parties w/ them? does anyone NOT care what charlie thinks?

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SO LOYAL TO HIM!?!?!?

screw this..

I hate myself.

Oh yeah, I actually got out the other day and went to the mall. It was the best 3 hours I've had in a long time. I saw Yoda, Jason, Gary(notsogreat), Dave(didn't talk to me), and I got to chill w/ Cindy ... and shit.. it was cool. I miss talking to Yoda, even though he ruined my life in ways I don't think anyone thought was possible... haha.. emotionally... he's still a really cool person when he's not beating on people's brains w/ all his obscene "slut" calling and whatnot. OKay, ignore that.
Yoda is awesome. The end.

Whatnot..

I want to go home and huddle underneath the covers in my room, blasting silverstein, put the heat up to 90 and all the windows open. I want all the lights to be on so people think I'm there, but I won't be able to see any of them cause I'll be hiding all alone in my bed. I want to go home, for that. I look forward to that... every day of my fucking life..

Fuck guys.

Someone please help me...

SOMEONE PLEASE.. if you want to help me CALL ME.... INVITE ME SOMEWHERE... TALK TO ME... come the fuck on..

3472154

oxxoxoxo

I love Cindy
I love Michaela
I love Big D
I love Devin
I love ... Charlie.. so much...
and I talk so much crap about him, but unfortunately alI always will love every horrible thing about ... that really aren't so horrible.. but I'm bitchy right now. he hung up on me a lil while ago!.. .hmmph.. and I broke up w/ him.. and he knows I'm going to call him back.. he expects it.. and if I don't maybe he'll get the point and we'll really be over for good. But why can't he just talk things out w/ me? Why does it have to be like.. "blah blah blah blah" *click* why not WORK THINGS OUT.. and then "bye" click.... god.. I want to talk to him. I haaatttteeeeee this. it's all my stomache not my heart. when I think about him I feel sick, all the time. when I don't know where he is, when I think he hates me. i'm sick.....

heart sick.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 00:04:07 GMT

Just some little things that I've written down while at St.Anne's that I heard or made up and liked it enough to write it down.::::

"Lie to me to convince me ive been sick forever
and all of this will make sense when I get better."

"The heart does heal, & you will love like this again -except when you do, you'll deny you've ever loved like this before."

"...the moments I never wanted to end & the ones I would just like to forget."

"I'm not sure if I'll ever feel the same. So if we fall apart my heart will be to blame."

"This is how it feels to know everyone has something they are running out of."

"..I trusted misleading promises worth repeating.."

"I'll paint the world to make it seem more than it is.":

"My love will die with you."

"Nothing that makes sense ever works out."

"Let us now celebrate the poet who wrote odes to her husband on the skin of her lovers back."

"Fuck the world, fuck the inadequate body."

"If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

"It's raining in my heart."

Yeah, the end.
I'm at Charlie's right now, chillin....

<3me.

CHECK OUT MY MYSPACE flamboyant518

lovelovelove.. please

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 17:56:15 GMT

I'll be home tommorow, if anyone wants to catch up stop by my house after 5. I'll probably be out and about later that night so come by early.

Muchlove-Christine-

.....ps....

Yes. I'm going back to SHS next year. Josh, did you graduate? (Did he?) You are all graduating before me assholes! ... fuck.

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 17:56:51 GMT

I get to come home in August!!!! Aughust 25th... fuck yes.

I'm so happy... like... yeah.

I hope James don't get caught, I love him like woah. I can't wait to see him.... me and him are going to get pedicures together. (awkward?)
I'll probably end up paying.. bitches.

It's going well here, I'm on discharge planner so I come home every weekend.. except this weekend which I'm supposed to come home but my mom's being a bitch so I'm only coming home saturday-sunday....fucker.

But yeah, I get my intermediate phone call day now so now anyone can call me, but only Michaela & Charlie have the number. If you want to talk to me though you can make your way to Shay's on thursday after 7 and say whats up.

Ehhh.. yeah....

My judge is so fucking cool, my caseworker was like " i think she should be extended until january" I was like FUCK YOU!
And my judge was like "I rule, she goes home because I'm an awesome fucking ... urh... everything."

But yeah....

I'm excited.

I'm probably going to screw up again, like always. It's just the inevitable. I'm serious, I don't know why but I just can't help it. and then this whole 5 months or w/e was just for nothing. Again.

I love James
Michaela
Charlie

I miss Devin & Amy... & Cody....

And I can't wait to see Tim to tell him the good news!

-Christine-

Fuck... ps.. I have to get a "root canal" its the downfall of getting out on the 25th.. that day I have to get it done.

Some people say it hurts like hell, the rest of them say it doesn't hurt at all. I'm not sure who to believe I'm going to think the worst so I won't be suprised when it hurts SO FUCKING BADLY.

Okay.. yeah... someone wants to hang out. Just comment.

DUN DUN DUN DUN! CHRISTINE IS GIVEN YET ANOTHER CHANCE TO EXCEED IN THE REAL WORLD!....

wow.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 17:52:27 GMT

I'm in class, at St. Anne's.

Nothing new, mac'n cheese for lunch. Gross. I ate it anyway.

I'm really upset, over my life.

I have court tommorow, I'm nervous. So is Charlie, he says.

I feel like me and charlie are a married couple trying to put are marriage together because we've been considering divorce.

When we fight, we don't care enough to yell. When we argue, I don't care enough to hit him. (not that its a bad thing)

When we're on the phone, we can't find anything to talk about.

What happened, to being able to have a conversation?

He thinks I cheated, he doesn't care. Why not? He's cheating.

I don't know what to do.

I wish I could find someone else to forget about him. But since I'm never out of St. Anne's it's never going to happen.

I'm so nervous about court, I hope they let me go home at the end of August.

I hung out w/ James all over the weekend. I've missed him so much. He got jumped, it made me really angry. I would like to kick all their asses, if they were little puny girls.

Hah.

Dave Gunn, I'm not sure if you read my livejournal but I'm sorry about the post on Yoda's livejournal. Maybe not, but I just can't help but hold a grudge, even though the grudge should be against Yoda.

*shrugs* I'll never get my head straight.

-Christine A. Burns-

<3MichaelaDerreckCharlieCodyJames<3

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 07:20:25 GMT

If you love somebody I don't think it's that easy just say..."oh well that's over.."

I've told people I love them. I still havn't stopped loving them.

I don't think it's possible to just stop loving someone, and if you can you never really loved them. If you said you did, then you were lying.

It's like if you went into a house, and turned off all the lights, when you were still awake. You can't see anything, you can't tell what's going on... but you're still awake. No one can tell that you're awake, (in love) but you are. The lights are all..

It's like someone putting a latter up to your back porch and knocking on the back door.. you turn the lights on to find the door.

What happens after that?

Do you keep the lights on, and let them in? Or do you turn the lights on and stair at them through the window? Do you keep the lights off, and act like you're not even home.

If you're in love, you leave you're front door wide open.

I've done this too many times... it doesn't seem to be working for me.. much.

I'm not sure, what I'm going to do when I get out of St. Anne's but there has to be a big change because (though I love all the things I've been doing...) I can't keep doing them....

Partying... drinking every night ( i havn't smoked in dumb long, not planning to.. )

.... Staying out... my mom hating me... my family ignoring me...... I can't take it any longer. I'm going to wake up one day... and realize I havn't had one day (that I can remember) that has been perfect.

I go to this YATMA thing in St. Anne's. It's a writing group, they give you a topic .. or a couple... every tuesday and you write.. and write.. I love it.

Last week, we were writing a letter to SANTA... (how cheesy?) But yeah, I wished for a day of bliss. One day to remember, that can make me happy. One day I don't have to worry about my mom, money, bills, school, friends, boyfriends... anything.. no drama. No problems..

I just want one day to be happy...

I wish that could happen to me. & I want to make it happen.

I'm getting good grades in school. (ps: I go to a bocey school now.. yeah "emotional disorders"... or something) but yeah.. so I made honor role.. obviously wasn't that hard. Since I really don't seem like I'm retarded. (some of you may think it..)

I'm trying, I guess.

All day, I do Suduko. I love it. It helps me pass the time at St.Anne's.

I don't know.

I'm done.

Somebody write me.

I have court this tuesday. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm nervous... prey prey prey.

...

-Christine-.. same as always..

PS: me and my mom are broke again... security stopped paying the money from my dad's death. They said they were gonna stop when I turned 16, but they changed there mind. It ended last wednesday.

We might have to move, again. I'm so tired of it.
I'm not dirt poor, but I'd rather be dirt poor than in the middle. We struggle, but we can't get help from any corporations because my mom's too "proud" and work's for the state.

It's such bull.

I want to own a pair of pants one day, that I don't get drunk and fall and rip.
That's my wish.

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 05:29:06 GMT

"No one will ever just be sincere to me, no one will ever just be there for me when I need them. Everyone will screw me over in the end. What am I saying? Usually, people just screw me over, I ignore it. They screw me over, I ignore it. They screw me over, only THEN do I realize that I suck I suck I suck and feel like it's all my fault and in all reality I'm the victim who's being treated like shit and I just want to fucking die. "

CAN ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME>E>E>LK#WJ(%*Y#(OIH

Right now, school? Why go, I don't know any of the girls at my school to dislike them but I hate them all anyway. At home? You know me, same old fucking stubborn Christine. I hate my house, my mom's a stupid bitch. She can't remember shit and she blind as a bat. She's deaf in one ear so if I'm hanging out the a burning building and needed her to rescue me I'd be sure to either jump to an early death or be burned alive. Greaattt.....

Here's some advice from me to a friend... <3 :

xox authority: i might hate life, more than anything in the world. and contemplate suicide on a daily basis but it really isn't worth it

xox authority: it's short, and sorry

xox authority: but it's life.

xox authority: why not live it out? everyone who screws us over now will get theirs

xox authority: and usually it's us that will be getting our revenge

xox authority: anyway, if we're the ones getting screwed over, we'll end up being happier when we get older and they will be smoking crack or w/e in a trailer and then they'll just fall off a cliff right?

xox authority: hopefully they'll get some really horrible std's too.

xox authority: :-) ... ugh.. sounds good to me.

Yep, right.

my mom goes to work tommorow... around 5... so i want to hang out w/ charlie.. or something... not sure.. i told him to tell eveyrone at shays that i'll be home alone w/ nothing to do.. so maybe michaela will walk her lazy ass up here :) and i can chill w/ her or something... *shrugs* hopefully something good happens tommorow.. i feel shitty right now.

yeah so i can't eat anything, havn't been able to in like a week.. i've been so sick. i have a really bad ear infection and had to go to the hospital it sucked. i almost overdosed on tylenol's i was throwing up and everythin becuase i took to many for the pain in my ear to go away.. it didn't really work i guess... and so they gave me tylenol 3's and i took them so much.. they are starting to not work for my ear anymore.. yeah so that sucks. and my stomache is starting to hurt since i don't eat anything and take so much of them. i should probably try to stomache some food without throwing up because i'm just so unhappy my body is regecting anything to keep me alive. See even my body is trying to tell me to just give up and die alone and miserable than have to stand have of the people on this earth any longer.

I wish i could just be happy, just for one more second. I just want to go back in time just to one second that i was happy. I just can't take it.

I was happy just a few short months ago wasn't I?

What the hell happened?

IhateCharlie. Sometimes.. sometimes i think he cheated on me way more times.. than anyone ever tells me .. but then again *sighs* its always possible.

sometimes we argue and i want to die, becuase i care about him so much and he makes me so sad..

sometimes he makes me so happy, i want to hang out w/ him forever and just lay there and be happy.

i don't know, i'll never get rid of him though, even if i wanted to. i don't though, i love him. i know it. hah.. yeah <3 .... i guess....loving.. is feeling heartache..?

this is what i wrote when I was really mad "_{I'M GONNA KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCHES I'LL KICK ALL YOUR ASSES SKANKY HOES. EVEN IF YOU ARE FUCKING 12 or wheateve rhte fuck.}

_{even if charlie did shit w/ a 12 year old and that's petifilia type shit."} when i was talking about if charlie ever fucked any other girls. .... heh.. i'm not crazy.

.. charlie i love you too much, fuck you. :) <3

I <3 Michaela

I <3 Charlie
I <3 Cody

I <3 Tim

I <3 Justin

....... anyone else?

Devin's cool, i hang out w/ him alot. he's awesome.

i hung out w/ taylor tonight, he's awesome too.

.... :)

the end?

PS: I tripped balls tonight, i had so much fun. Acid is so ... amazing..

forever and ever, i will love acid because tonight was so much fun.

my jaw still hurts from smiling, i think it was cause i was hanging out w/ shay though because me and her had so much fun
we went to burger king and shit
and saw kayla coons, which was weird *shrugs*

anyway...

uhhh... yoda if you are out there.. somewhere in the world.. i never hear from you.. .maybe you could call me? Sometimes i think you could die, and i wouldn't know about it. that scares me. :)

my life sucks

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 23:47:21 GMT

I'm @ Cody's house w/ Charlie.

Not really doing anything really, just sitting around.

We just finished watching "Waiting" or something, it was okay. I have to go to PA tommorow for the week. I hope I'm back in time to see James this coming weekend, he has a homevisit. It sucks I'm missing my vacation and everything.

Kaisey, made a mistake and I got really mad at her and whatever. But I don't want to hate her, I called her and talked to her about it. We've decided to stay friends, if that's what you call it. "friendship" hah, right.

Charlie and me broke up, or well I broke up w/ him. We've also decided to stay bestfriends. I love him, I wouldn't want to not talk to him anymore or anything even THOUGH he did make a HUGE mistake and I wish he could take it back and I bet so does he. Hah, yeah?

I was in Samaritan shelter again for 10 days. I was so afraid they weren't gonna let me come home @ court on the 17th but they did! I got 6 more extra months of probation, and I have to go to school in Albany now @ St. Anne's secure facility now. Thank god I don't have to live there in the residential unit though. Hah I feel bad for all those mother fuckers.

Yesterday my mom took me to go get my hair cut & dyed but she didn't have enough money so I just got it cut a lil' bit. Then Charlie & I went to the mall and I got my nails done... did... :)
They have black flames on them.
The fucking asshole that was doing my nails cut me by accident, prick.

I then went to Michaela's for a while and hung out w/ everyone got a lil drunk. Michaela and me talked most of the time and I was a complete retard as usually.
I went home and ate mac'n cheese and passed the fuck out.

/ ?
Today I woke up at 9 and made myself eggs & toast and coffee for breakfast and layed in bed until 12pm. Laziness. I got dressed and my mom drove me and Charlie to Michaela's.
I Tim&ChiChi were there, and Cody was sleeping. Michaela, Josh, Charlie, and Justin watched SAW2. It was good, real good. I jumped, haha like usual.

Everything is just LIKE USUAL with me I suppose. I'll never change. Heh, that's a good thing and a bad thing I guess.

After that Cody, Charlie, and I walked here to Scotia and now here I am.

Uhm, anythin else?

Nope.

*Hugs&Kisses*

<3Michaela&Cody&Charlie&Josh&James

*pukes*

I'm so f u c k i n g PHAT.

And ofcourse I get screwed over right after, someone screwed me over. Does that make sense? It does to me, there should be alot more revenge in the world and alot less anger.

Mindless Self Indulgence plays in BANDITS. (music/ house w/ the kids at the beginning)

Bandits is a really good movie.

Hey people I'm back like cooked crack!

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 23:29:33 GMT

heh heh. yah James always used to say that... "I'm back like cooked crack"
I miss him so much, I write him sometimes.
If anyone wants to write James just call me (347-2154) and I'll give you the address of where he's @.

charlie & I are still together, we just celebrated our 6th month anniversary on the 30th. For christmass I went to Rochester for a week and got treated like shit. Then I got sick for 2 days and threw up everything I ate or drank. I couldn't even sip anything at all, I lost like 8 pounds.

We came home early because my great aunt died, and I went to get my nails done again w/ Charlie at the mall. We got Arbys, and then I got Charlie sick and he puked everything up.
Haha, then I came home and me and my mom beat the shit out of eachother, as always.

For New Years, I was gonna go to a party w/ Josh and Shay but I wanted to hang out w/ Charlie instead, so they brought other people. I went w/ Charlie&Cody&Tim to Charlie's brothers house and we just chilled and drank all night and watched the ball drop. We had mad fun.
Charlie and I left around, 2 in the morning and I slept at Shays and he had to go to work. Kaisey, Charlie and me when he got home from work just sat @ Michaela's and ate cup roman and did nothing till around 5 or 6 in the afternoon. We're lazy bums, he he.

Charlie and I went to my house and ate dinner, nothing interesting.

Okay now I'm getting kicked off the internet, me and Charlie are going to my house to eat Chicken Lasagna or w/e w/ my cousin Kendel.

Still in out-patient, I'm 2 1/2 months clean from smoking/ other drugs cept drinking. I get out of outpatient in a month in a half. I havnt' been going to school, I was suspended today. That was fun.

Charlie and I just slept all day and woke up around 3 and I went to my meeting. Now I'm @ Michaela's & we have to walk home.

<3

Anyone wanna call and talk to me, you're always welcome!!

I miss Paul? :( That sucks, never talk to him anymore.

Oh and I got a new pair of shoes. la la lal ti da da.

I <3 Charlie
I <3 Cody
I <3 Michaela
I <3 ... everyone else?

*xox xix xox xix*

hugs and kisses!
-Christine-

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 14:22:42 GMT

Okay just to update everyone....I'm out of rehab... I'm still w/ Charlie... I'm still on probation.. I'm still in outpatient...

I still don't get along w/ my mother...

I just want to die...

Okay the end..

I <3 Charlie
I <3 Cody
I <3 Michaela
I <3 Kaisey
I <3 James
I <3 Dereck

... Hmm..
I've beena ble to see alot more of Devin lately.. that's been awesome.. & Amy I got to see her twice this week already.. he he

okay so....
Yoda.. I can't call your house.. becuase it's disconnected? I want to hang out w/ you... and see you and stuff....
uhhh.... okay just call my house sometime.. if you even remember my number..

<3

-Christine-

I'd like to pretend I'm already deceased....

(I'm in schoool... it fucking sucks ass!)

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 05:08:35 GMT

I guess I never will understand, why our hearts always break so easily. & I could clean up all the broken pieces of you, but I refuse to. So this glass inside me I'll tread all over. Don't worry about me, I'm only crying to remember you.

This is Kaisey. Christine got put away earlier today. Shell be gone for a month or so?.

Just to make this easier:

xox authority: ogh and write in my livejournal that I got put away, and I wanted people to know. And that I wish I had gotten to hang out w/ Yoda & Michaela before I got put away.

She loves everyone. <33. Shell be back in about 30 days hopefully.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 12:30:00 GMT

I woke up this morning, and I'm still getting ready now.. but a little while ago i just started thinking about Yoda for some reason and decided I really wanted to hang out w/ him right at this VERY MOMENT... so I got online to see if he would possibly not be in school / online and ofcourse.. no he wasn't.. *sighs*

anyway, that sucks.
maybe he wants to hang out w/ me this weekend before my birthday? :) ... ?

I'm on my way to Charlie's now, I have a therapist appointment at 1:30, and then I have outpatient downtown at 4pm. (I havn't been there in 2 weeks! shit!) yeah soooooo, the end.

-Christine-

Does anyone want to chill w/ me @ shay's on my birthday?

I <3 KaiseyCodyMichaelaCharlie

*makes weird noises*

<3 ..I want ...

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 17:47:29 GMT

It is, the 19th? And I'm in the library right now.
I'm supposed to be in school, but I don't know. I never go.

I <3 Michaela so much, but I'm really mad at Karen right now.

She wonders why people don't go down there anymore?
It's just too much.

There is just this something, that I've put out of my mind for a couple months. It's been bothering me again, and I feel like crap. I can't really smile anymore, without thinking about it. I can't eat without thinking about it.
I don't think I'll ever feel better, unless I cut off your arms and rapped them around me and fell asleep forever.
</3 I don't know, -Chrsitine-

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 17:25:43 GMT

GO TO THIS, IF YOU .... JUST GO HERE! :: http://www.weedstoons.com/scott_tweezer.gif

THERE IS A HEMP CANDY STORE ONLINE!

WHAT!!!

<333

I fucking love this country.

You can walk down the street smoking a dutch, and no one says anything.

Love...ly....

<333 CodyCharlieMichaelaBriannaKaiseyJoshTim. whomeever else...

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 15:59:46 GMT

bllleehh...

I had a meeting with my probation officer, I'm not really in trouble...
but if I don't go to school every day all day this coming week he's violating me..

and I didn't get in trouble for failing my piss test at outpatient... I just had to admit (well, I lied a teensy-bit... not that much though) stuff....

My mom's been really cool lately, i pretty much come-and-go as I please.
I dont' really come home at night that much, not that that's making it any easier on her but she doesn't yell at me.
she's helping me not get in trouble with probation too

I'm guessing, everyone is being really easy on me at the moment so I have to get my act together before they decide they're tired of playing games.
*shrugs*

Priorities..... are so out of balance... shouldn't being happy and enjoying your life come first?
that's what I thought but I guess I was wrong.... :(

Eh, 2 hours *yawns* yeah.. it was good. heh heh...... yeahhh
kaisey - "eww christine! shut up!"

hah... yeah so... I hung out with charlie all last night and I passed out at his house and he fucking LEFT ME THERE... and went to michaela's and then came back like 4 hours later and woke me up being an asshole and shit.
I was so mad at him, I started crying this morning and just left and shut the door in his face. I feel kinda bad... I said some over dramatic things that I could have ya know.. not have said. but oh well... we'll both get over it.

Yeah so, I called Kaisey and I want to hang out with her today. I hope she might want to.. :( I miss her

<33333 Cody & Michaela & Kaisey & Charlie & Timmae & Bri & Josh

Oooohhhh yeah... I'm too fucking cute 4 u!

pshh, yeah right.

-Christine-

PS - why doesn't anyone call me anymore? .... hmmph.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 15:56:26 GMT

I'm feeling helpless and alone
I'm feeling sick and confused
I'm stoned out of my mind
I'm so drunk my body's numb

angry, scared, and ashamed

what do you expect of me?

this is the best feeling I've had all year.

</3 bllleehh... I had a meeting with my probation officer, I'm not really in trouble... but if I don't go to school every day all day this coming week he's violating me.. and I didn't get in trouble for failing my piss test at outpatient... I just had to admit (well, I lied a teensy-bit... not that much though) stuff.... My mom's been really cool lately, i pretty much come-and-go as I please. I dont' really come home at night that much, not that that's making it any easier on her but she doesn't yell at me. she's helping me not get in trouble with probation too I'm guessing, everyone is being really easy on me at the moment so I have to get my act together before they decide they're tired of playing games. *shrugs* Priorities..... are so out of balance... shouldn't being happy and enjoying your life come first? that's what I thought but I guess I was wrong.... :( Eh, 2 hours *yawns* yeah.. it was good. heh heh...... yeahhh kaisey - "eww christine! shut up!" hah... yeah so... I hung out with charlie all last night and I passed out at his house and he fucking LEFT ME THERE... and went to michaela's and then came back like 4 hours later and woke me up being an asshole and shit. I was so mad at him, I started crying this morning and just left and shut the door in his face. I feel kinda bad... I said some over dramatic things that I could have ya know.. not have said. but oh well... we'll both get over it. Yeah so, I called Kaisey and I want to hang out with her today. I hope she might want to.. :( I miss her <33333 Cody & Michaela & Kaisey & Charlie & Timmae & Bri & Josh Oooohhhh yeah... I'm too fucking cute 4 u! pshh, yeah right. -Christine- PS - why doesn't anyone call me anymore? .... hmmph.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 00:56:41 GMT

*=-_>. like a falling star I'm only getting brighter
my tears fall like glass
piece me together
pull my heart back into the sky >._-=*

Charlie & I broke up, heh not the first time but probably be the last. I'm tired of being messed w/. *sighs* What is a girl to do? (Especially these days, watch I'll be the slut again in a couple weeks or something if I find someone else. BS.)

Anyway, nothing really going on. Havn't been going to school and whatnot so I guess I'm fucked. Probably going to get violated by probation again and go away for a year or so. I can't really stop it now, I fucked myself over pretty bad.

THINK BEFORE YA' ACT KIDS! DO THE complete OPPOSITE OF ME!
Don't you wish everyone could be the complete opposite as me?
I do, then I think I'd be pretty unique. *flips hair* *sarcastic snotty tone* Like, not that I'm like not, so like, completely awesome, now! ... heh.. .right.

So yeah, I guess that is all.

If anyone wants to hang out call me, I'm usually home and if I'm not tell my mom you called and your# or w/e and I'll call you later when I get home. ... BEEP.

Very nice, very nice.

I <3 Michaela
I <3 Cody
I <3 Kaisey
I <3 Charlie
I <3 James
I <3 Josh
&I <3 BRI!!

The end.

of forever.

Wow forever ends alot I guess, especially in my mind.

I just wish I were dead. :(

KILL ME PLEASE...

If you love her, kiss me goodbye and start to cry because you'll never hear these beautiful words again.
Lust, love, sorrow, heartbreak. To you it just must be the same.
You tricked me, because in my world you were the only one I could see.
I'm just a girl, just like all the other shoulds and coulds. </3

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 17:05:12 GMT

What is the point, of caring at all?

Noone cares that you care, sometimes they don't know you care or the just don't think you care. And you can care, and it won't make a difference to your life or anyone else's at all.

I just don't want to care about you.

If I have made a difference, it was to completely derail myself and do something completely NOT caring because I wasn't thinking.

How can you care about someone and still hurt them? Physically, mentally, and hurting yourself at the same time.

Mistakes kill a person, more than walking in front a car because you weren't looking, and not dying instantly.
It's the walking away from someone and you can't stop looking back to see if they are still standing there, waiting for you. It kills you even slower.

I just want to erase myself from your memories.
Atleast I still *sighs*, have Michaela. xoX-Christine-Xox

</3

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 01:53:16 GMT

Check out my baby's new livejournal.

I just made it for him so yeah, he hasn't written in it yet.
But it's still amazing <3

-Christine-

http://www.livejournal.com/users/cc_bacardi/

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 02:05:13 GMT

OCREs: Maybe he's still bitter about you ditching all of us for drugs and such.
sMEDiOCREs: Or did he talk to you after that?
I f a k e me: Uhh yeah I hung out with him after that, and as I've argued a million times in the past. It was not the DRUGS that I ditched anyone for, it was michaela and hanging out down there. It was just different, and I liked it better... No offense ofcourse....
I f a k e me: He just didn't like me out of nowhere
sMEDiOCREs: Yea, and you always did drugs, and nothing else while being there.
sMEDiOCREs: Okay.
I f a k e me: Actually, none of you have any idea what I did there.
sMEDiOCREs: Actually, we did.
I f a k e me: I didn't always do drugs, actually most of the time I just chilled down there and sometimes helped michaela with her hw or something.
I f a k e me: Actually you should shut the fuck up because you don't, and never did.
I f a k e me: Bye Sinaed.
sMEDiOCREs: We all noticed you started smoking and we all knew Michaela and Tim were druggies, and then you started hanging out with them.
sMEDiOCREs: Wow, Christine.
sMEDiOCREs: Fuck you, too.
sMEDiOCREs: Bye.
I f a k e me: NO actually they didn't even really do drugs until they met me, so you are jumping to all the wrong conclusions about people you've only hung out with like twice in your fucking life... sooo.. yeah fuck you.
sMEDiOCREs signed off at 10:01:54 PM.

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 23:56:38 GMT

Cannabis

Cannabis is the most widely used illegal drug in the UK.

Cannabis ... also known as:
Blow, Dope, Draw, Ganga, Gear, Grass, Hash, Marijuana, Pot, Skunk and Weed.

Cannabis ... how is it taken?
Cannabis is generally smoked in a cigarette (joint). It's usually mixed with tobacco, but herbal cannabis may be smoked on its own. Resin can also be put into food or brewed into a drink.

Cannabis ... how much does it cost?
Street deals are usually measured by weight and are known as 'eight’s' or 'quarters'. Prices start at £15 for an eighth. Larger blocks of resin are often referred to as nine-ounce bars. Deals are wrapped in foil or cling film. Herbal cannabis is usually sold on the streets in small plastic money bags.

Cannabis ... what does the law say?
Cannabis is Class C drug under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971. It was reclassified from a Class B drug on 29 January 2004. It is illegal to grow, produce, posses or supply. It is an offence to allow your house or premises to be used for growing, preparing, supplying or smoking cannabis.

The maximum penalty for supply, dealing, production (including cultivation) and trafficking is 14 years’ imprisonment.

The maximum penalty for possession of cannabis is 2 years’ imprisonment.

Under police guidance (applying to England and Wales), there is a presumption against arrest for adults, but not for young people

For adults most offences of cannabis possession will result in a warning and confiscation of the drug. However, arrest may take place in cases of smoking in a public place, repeat offending, possession where public order is threatened, or possession in the vicinity of premises used by young people (eg a school, or youth club).

Young people under 18 in possession of cannabis will be arrested and dealt with under the framework for juvenile offending where they can receive a reprimand, final warning, or charge depending on the seriousness of the offence.

Michaela... look at this shit.. what is this?

this isn't anything I would smoke.. yuckers.. this looks somewhat like that damiana crap.

.. haha... wow.. these people just ruined there reputation for knowing about drugs. ... or atleast knowing about GOOD drugs... he he...

Cocaine ... what are the downs?
High doses may make people feel depressed, anxious or paranoid. Lack of energy may follow. The high lasts for a short time. Rapid psychological dependence may occur. Heavy regular use may result in aggressive behaviour and violent mood swings. Repeated snorting can damage nostrils and may lead to breathing problems or even heart failure. High spending on cocaine is often associated with debt and violence. (yucky)

Crack ... what are the downs?
Rapid psychological dependence can occur. Because the effects are short-lived, the need to achieve them grows with the dependence. Its frequent use is often associated with debt and violence and users have been known to spend more than £1,000 in one weekend to feed their habit. Those who are regular users may experience tiredness, depression, aggressive behaviour and a false degree of confidence. Regular smoking can lead to breathing problems and loss of voice. (sorry.. YUCK!)

Ecstasy

Ecstasy ... also known as:
E, Disco Biscuits, Doves.

Ecstasy ... what does it look like?
Produced in tablet or capsule form. Illicitly produced, they come in a variety of colours, shapes and sizes. Most have a small motif embossed on one side. It often contains other substances. Very rarely it is found in powder form.

Ecstasy ... how is it taken?
Ecstasy is usually taken orally.

Ecstasy ... what are the effects?
It can make people feel energetic for a number of hours. The initial rush is often followed by feelings of calmness and closeness to others. High doses may lead to panic and anxiety. Regular use can lead to psychological dependence, sleep problems, lethargy and depression. There is a danger of overheating and dehydration.

Ecstasy ... what does the law say?
Ecstasy is a class A drug under the misuse of Drugs Act 1971. It is illegal to produce, possess or supply. It is also an offence to allow any premises to be used for the production or supply of ecstasy (WHO CARES?)

!!!!Magic Mushrooms!!!!! (birthday... yes... ) :)

There are about a dozen varieties of hallucinogenic or ‘magic’mushrooms that grow in the UK, the most common of which is the Liberty Cap derived from the Psilocybe family.

Magic mushrooms were originally harvested for their medicinal properties and references to them date back to ancient tribes and civilisations.

Present day use in the UK has developed since the 1970s as a more organic alternative to LSD.

Magic Mushrooms ... also known as:
Shrooms, Mushies etc

Magic Mushrooms ... what do they look like?
Because of the numerous varieties of mushrooms with hallucinogenic properties, it is often extremely difficult to distinguish them from their poisonous and sometimes deadly cousins and identification can be very complex.

OOOOH....

Magic Mushrooms ... how are they taken?
Can be eaten raw, cooked or brewed into a tea, some may be preserved by drying and then taken at a later date.

Magic Mushrooms ... what does the law say?
As part of Section 21 of the Drugs Act 2005, which came into force in July 2005, it is now an offence to sell, possess or supply all forms of magic mushrooms.

Magic Mushrooms ... how much do they cost?
Most users pick their own, but less commonly they can be bought from dealers. Prices vary depending on the season, but a bag containing about 30 mushrooms can cost around £5.

Magic Mushrooms ... what are the downs?
As with LSD tolerance rapidly develops to magic mushrooms and users may find that increasingly higher doses are needed to achieve a similar effect, nausea, stomach pains and vomiting are common. Bad trips can also occur which may develop into brief psychotic episodes. There have also been reports of flashbacks. By far the greatest danger is the fact that poisonous mushrooms can be mistakenly taken.

Magic Mushrooms ... what are the ups?
The effects are similar to a mild LSD experience but may also include the feeling of euphoria and an increased heart rate, blood pressure and pupil size may result. The sensations also take effect in a much shorter time - usually after 30 minutes - but also last for a shorter time - between four and nine hours. If high doses are taken the user may experience visual distortion and vivid hallucinations.

-it's notall the info I found but I just thought that was interesting... somewhat... nothing I didn't already really know.. christine-